It Starts with Step One…Right?

June 10, 2009

I had this teacher in 7th grade, an English teacher, whose slightly older daughter was on my swim team. Junior high was a rough transition for me, and her class was the first one I truly fell behind in, earning poor grades. I still remember her bragging about how her daughter would wake up on Saturday mornings and get *all* her homework done so that she had the rest of the weekend to have fun. To this day, thinking of her perfect, go-getter daughter triggers a mixture of jealousy and hatred deep within my soul. Maybe hatred is a strong word. Maybe not.

I go through some variation of this thought process on a daily basis:

Hmm, I really need to start writing for my independent study, but before I do that, I have got to do some exercise. I’d like to do yoga, but I can’t possibly do yoga in a messy apartment. Today I’ll clean, but only after I eat a light healthy meal to get off to a good start. Unfortunately, the kitchen is so dirty that I don’t have room to cook, so I’m stuck eating something packaged and crappy and now I feel lethargic. I’m still being productive if I keep looking for furniture on Craigslist, right? Even though I’ve already checked it today for four different cities. Wait, what did I get on the computer for? I’ve been wondering how this Twitter stuff works, maybe I’ll sign up today. Oooh, Ms. California has been fired. What’s a good recipe using cottage cheese? Crap, where has the time gone? I think I’m hungry again, and since I’m eating, I might as well watch TV for a little while.

…Meanwhile a sense of impending doom keeps my stomach in knots as the independent study never leaves the back of my mind. I do a little packing here, clean a couple of dishes there, and take Herman on walks that break up the day into meaningless, wasted segments of time.

I truly dream of the day when I wake up to a clean home, rise early, pop in the yoga DVD and have a refreshing workout, eat a fresh and healthy breakfast, begin my school work, tackle my other obligations rather than letting them build up and freak me out, and god forbid, spend time relaxing or doing something artistic without feeling guilty. I think the nice thing about moving is that–just as when a new year approaches–I have this very marked change coming. A distinct date in the near future when I’ll have a reason to start anew, to revitalize my life. We all know how those kinds of resolutions go, but hey, a girl can dream…

Alright, now I’m “off to clean.”

5 Responses to “It Starts with Step One…Right?”

  1. Kristen Says:

    Your stream of consciousness is my constant inner monologue with a few variables changed. I don’t know if it helps to know that you’re not alone but that’s what I wanted to say. Also if you have any Twitter questions I’d be happy to help you!

  2. lavietoni Says:

    Honestly, it does make me feel better, even if that’s so wrong :b

    As for Twitter…well, I have an account, but it will probably just take some getting used to. I think starting out on a new social networking site is inevitably awkward in the beginning. Right now I’m basically talking to myself on there.

  3. Kristen Says:

    My twitter handle is _kristen if you would like to follow me. :)

  4. avandee Says:

    ugh, story of my life. every day i wake up wanting to write and lose the urge by the time i’ve wasted three hours on the computer, spent a couple hours cooking and cleaning up, and sat on the couch for a while. i’m always too tired, my room’s too messy – we should just give up on ideals and get to it!

    i had this amazing chair last year that was supposed to be my haven – my little spot to sit and read. but my room was never clean enough to enjoy it, i had never done enough work, the dishes were dirty, the tv was on. i literally sat in that chair twice. when we moved i had to sell it, and that was a really hard lesson. do what you want/need to do as soon as you want/need to do it, or you may never get the chance.

  5. lavietoni Says:

    I’ve thought about your chair story several times over the past few days. It really resonated with me.


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